You Might Be a Mom of a Toddler If…

I’m about to be a mom of a toddler again, and it’s been a while. I’m thrilled to have a second go-round at Toddlerhood with our Little Man, but also a tad nervous…

Everything seems to be different and new again. To circumcise or not to circumcise? Cloth or disposable diapers? Where can I get one of those nifty Baltic Amber necklaces?

Before I get too overwhelmed, I try to remind myself that I’ve done this before and God will most assuredly fill in the gaps.

Without further ado, the following is what I recall about raising toddlers, please chime in if I’ve missed anything:

You Might Be a Mom of a Toddler If…

… You suspect you might actually be starring in a Pantene commercial on the rare occasion you actually get to blow dry your hair. Clouds part, angels sing. Pure. bliss.

… You’ve ever said to a friend, “I was praying for you in the shower today…”. Honest. Shower time = sacred time. It’s quiet (or at least it seems like it is with the water flowing, fan running, and the door locked), distraction free, and tranquil. Who wouldn’t talk with God there?

… You equate a visit to the dentist to a luxurious trip to the spa. Again: no kids, a plethora of magazines, Kenny G at a reasonable decibel, and friendly staff in soothing neutral colors doting on you. Yes please!

… You’ve stopped fixing yourself a lunch plate. Between discarded organic peanut butter sandwich crusts, rouge baby carrots, and remnant banana ends you refuse to waste you were packing in an extra 1000 calories each day. Scratch that nonsense– just eat the discards and call it good.

… You don’t really mind changing diapers. You just don’t, and you can’t explain it. If someone else does it for you you’ll (at the very least) subject them to an inquisition recounting all the gory details and (at the worst) hover right over their shoulder mid-change. You care about your toddler and poop is important.

… You’ve ever breastfed a child who remained safely secured in a five point harness in a carseat while in a moving vehicle. Bonus points if you were belted, as well.

… You have no clue what’s popular in music anymore. All your sexy minivan is ever rocking is either a solid Veggie Tales sing-a-long or the entire score from a Disney film playing on repeat on the in-car DVD player. (Don’t judge.)

… You’ve ever wisked together water, sugar, and orange food coloring in a panic to pacify a child demanding orange juice. In truth, I never did this to my own kids– it happened once while babysitting as a teen. Nowadays I’m much more assertive and would look my kids square in the face and confidently tell them to deal with it offer them organic apple juice as an alternative.

… You’ve found yourself at Costco with your husband on Date Night. Without the kiddos clambering in and out of the cart (rinse and repeat) and insisting you stop at every. single. sample. it’s actually rather pleasant. I love/hate Costco.

… You’ve ever been the lucky recipient of a routine cervical exam with the added bonus of a child strapped onto your person in an Ergo. True story. Thankfully, midwives have pretty much seen it all (pun intended) and are the most laid-back women on the planet.

What else? What have I forgotten? What has my subconscious deliberately blocked?